Before trauma, I wished for nothing but school, my next play date, the next moment I could buy lollies down at the local milk bar with a coin I’d sneak out of my father’s bedroom. I’d predictably meet my mum at the door when I arrived home from school. I’d look to my mum for a comforting hug when I felt sick, or simply wanted to curl up beside her in front of the TV. I went to bed knowing I’d see mum or dad in the morning. Everything I needed was here in my world.
My world changed in 1984.
Safety, security, attachment, love, innocence and worth were completely stripped from me. They were no longer essential rights of a child, but ‘things’ that apparently I no longer needed nor entitled to.
My parents love and attachment was severed immediately. Infact any relationship I did have with my parents abruptly ended. It wasn’t replaced by anyone. I was simply left to survive on my own.
I was six years old.
I was now living in complete contrast to the ‘world’ I’d just left. All my toys and books were taken away. I’d moved to a new school and living with people I barely knew. My life became so rigid and controlled by abuse, punishment, chores and religious lessons. I’d not celebrate a birthday or Christmas for the next three years. Everything changed and so did my view of the world.
Without my parents or anyone else rebuking this new world, the old world slowly faded and all my trust and beliefs about how life ‘was’, died with it.
Trauma, abandonment, neglect, punishment, abuse, fear, anxiety, deceit, loneliness, separation became the way I viewed the world.
Experiences and primary family modeling shaped and entrenched my beliefs about the world and the people in it. Experience taught me I wasn’t worthy enough to protect. I couldn’t trust anyone, even when they said they cared. I couldn’t share my feeling because they didn’t matter. Experience taught me, I could never ever allow myself to rely on another person, not even my mother. I had learned, the world was not safe. People, men in particular just used you for one thing.
I never wanted to see the world this way.
The people I trusted most abandoned me, discolouring my lense of the world. Before, I’d have never known how precious safety, security and attachment were. I’d have never known how essential it was as a foundation of which to build my esteem, my worth and value. Before trauma, I’d never considered ‘missing’ these in my new world.
For many years I lived with my trauma lens on, never quite understanding why my world changed. Why my value was stripped from me. Why the world seemingly turned on me and why I needed to hide from it.