How to Release the Hold of Parental Judgement
I witness a lot of people miserable and unhappy. When I ask them why? The answers though varied in content all pretty much run the same theme. There are a group of people who are held ransom by the standards, judgement and beliefs of their parents. This is not something I witness only in young people, but in older people.
They live with constant anxiety, depression, stress, self-judgement and an inferiority complex all due to the beliefs and opinions held by their parents.
It may be that one or both of your parents treat you like a child, or make disrespectful comments disguised as sarcasm about your weight, your looks, the partner you’ve chosen, where you live, how you raise your children, what you do with your time or your job. With each visit or phone call you feel increasingly anxious, or walk away feeling depressed or never feeling like you’re loved or accepted just as you are or for the choices you make.
They allow the feelings and beliefs of their parents to impact their lives, and maybe they’re afraid that deep down their parents are right (they’re not by the way).
I’d like to offer a solution or perhaps some things to consider if this is you.
Whilst it may appear easier said than done, and it often is, the simplest of solutions is to stop taking the opinions, belief and judgement of your parents on.
Can you see for a moment that what your parents think of you, much like what anyone in the world thinks of you, is not your problem. I realise that there is a blood line and a deep desire to be loved by your parents. But love extends both ways. So when your parent/s belittle you in front of others, are they showing you the love and respect you deserve, no matter what you wear, what you look like, etc?
The answer is no.
Constantly trying to live up to your parents expectations is futile and gives the power and control to them and not you. Perpetually you end up living a life where you’re constantly subjected to high standards that ultimately no-one, not even yourself can achieve. Sadly, your parent/s may never accept what you do, how you look or the choices you make. But understand that this is their problem, not yours.
To take back control and stop allowing yourself to be treated this way, boundaries need to be set up and enforced when you face the same treatment, (as you invariably will, until they understand that you will no longer accept the treatment you’re receiving).
You need to decide that you don’t deserve this treatment also. Remembering that what you continue to allow, will always be until you decide otherwise. Just because they’re your parents, doesn’t give them ANY more right to treat you with disregard, then anyone else.
But a very common perception is that we have to put up with any way our parents treat us and this is simply not true.
My belief is, that once we become adults, we should be treated like one, even by our parents.
So if you’re struggling with this and you’ve felt this for much of your life, I just want to encourage you to step out and take ownership of your life and the way you’re being treated. Begin taking steps to improve this, by setting up just 1 boundary you can take when you visit or speak to them next. Practice it, enforce it and induce self care afterwards, cos it’s not easy to begin with. But with time and persistence & courage, you’ll begin to notice a difference not only in the treatment you’re receiving but in other areas of your life also.
Get support too via a friend or network, as this is a hard one to overcome, but it does work if you’re willing to persist through the backlash.
I do offer mentoring sessions which can help you through this. Contact me for more info.
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